if you like me you must not know who I am
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize