I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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