I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
