dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
