Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
