6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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