my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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