i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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