I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
