yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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