I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
