The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
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