Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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