I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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