: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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