why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
