I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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