Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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