did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
