we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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