My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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