Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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