there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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