I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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