its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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