Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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