I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
