It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
