I need help removing her.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
