Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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