did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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