i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
