Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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