I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
