I cockslap morals
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
