are you still at the devil's house?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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