we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
