You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
