I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
