Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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