Kiss
Puke
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
