I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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