When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
