the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
