I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
