Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
