When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
