I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
