tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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