Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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